36 Don’t panic
I felt myself moving, the last thing I remember was getting in bed with Stephanie after we ate the Burger King that Scott brought, I was happy that I could finally eat something after eating snacks all day.
She told me more about the cult and what they made them do as kids. I don't even wanna think about it. She told me more about herself. She also told me that Alan was gay which was a huge surprise but I could see it. I never seen him with a girl.
I also found out things with her and Mark was serious, but her parents didn't approve. I always just thought that her she had a little crush on Mark but she told me they were planning on eloping I was shocked. But I told her I will support her no matter what.
I opened my eyes and saw Xavier's face above of me. I was moving but I wasn't walking. He was carrying me. Why? Everything Stephanie told me came back. I understand why he acts the way he acts now. What they did to him was child abuse. And here I was being petty over little stuff. I have never felt so small in my life.
"Hey" he says gazing down at me
I feel him placing me on a bed. Did he carry me out of my room so I could sleep in his bed?
"I'm sorry" I tell him stoking his face
"Why you apologising?"
"Because I was being childish about everything. I forgive you" I say sleepily. I pulled his face closer to my face.
"I love you Xavier" he tenses as I said that "you don't have to say it back I understand. I trust you"
He opens his mouth to say something but I pulled his lips to mine. He didn't kiss me back for a while, like he was frozen. I bit his lip and pushed my tongue into his mouth. He groans and finally kisses me back.
I moved down his shirt trying to take it off but he pulls away grabbing my hands. "You need to sleep" he says putting the duvet over me.
"What" I asked, my feelings were a little be hurt. He was rejecting me.
"I'm tired as well, had a long day" he says getting in bed.
"Why, what did you do" I ask curious
"Why don't you tell me what you do"
"Forget it Vanessa" he says sounding frustrated.
"Fine. Where's Alan?" I forgot about him, if he didn't want to talk then I won't bother him. He will tell me when he's ready.
"In the other spare room"
I didn't even know there was another room. I was probably the one that I thought was a closet. I kinda felt bad for leaving Stephanie, she was in need of a friend tonight.
I moved closer expecting me him to cuddle me like always but he turns around leaving me staring at his back. I stared at him in disbelief, did I do something wrong? Why was he acting weird. Horst he turns down sex now he won't even look at me.
"What happened?" I ask cause something must have happened for him to act this way.
"Did I say something wrong?"
I don't remember saying anything that could make him angry, maybe it was the I love you part.
"Just go to sleep Vanessa" I hear him say.
"Why did you bring me here if you weren't going to touch me" I asked frustrated
"Does this have something to do with Cara?"
He turned around instantly, I know I hit a nerve. I didn't know if he was still going to see her everyday. And at the same time they had history that I could never understand.
"Cara? Why would Cara have anything to do with us, like I said nothing happened between us that day"
"I know Xavier, I know what you did" he froze as I said that. He had a panicked look on his face.
"It wasn't your fault, you were just a kid" I added quickly
"What are you talking about"?"
"Stephanie told me about Cara. How you both met" I say slowly
"What" he said shocked
"Don't be mad at her, she just wanted me to know that nothing was happening between you too"
"You asked her questions behind my back" he asked looking at me like I betrayed him
"I didn't ask, she gave me answer you wouldn't!" I yell losing my temper.
He has no to right to act like I betrayed him. I know it was his story to tell but it wasn't like I went out of my way to find answers. Stephanie willingly told me that.
"I already told you, I didn't sleep with her. What more do you want me to say Vanessa, you said you trust me. What happened between me and Cara is over, leave her out if this"
"Why do you alway defend her, do you love her is that it!" I got up from the bed. I was so sick of fighting with him, that's all we did. And it was over the same thing. Cara.
"I don't love her, she was made to please me Vanessa. Do you have any idea how sick that is. For her, for me, she has been through enough shit, so forgive me for wanting to keep her out of our drama."
"I have been having sex since I was 13, I never felt anything with her or any other girl after her. It was always just sex. But with you, I feel. My heart belongs to you. All this shit I'm doing is for you Vanessa"
I open my mouth to speak but he puts his hands up and pulls me back to the bed, aggressively.
"I've told you don't question my love for you, ever. I have a fucked up way of showing it, but I do. I'm gonna take care of you guys"
"I know, I just feel like your hiding something"
"I'm not hiding anything Vanessa" he tells me sincerely but it didn't reach his eyes "can we sleep now".
"You didn't eat your eggs" Stephanie says looking at my plate
It was a little last in the morning when she made us breakfast. Once again I woke up and Xavier was gone, Alan as well this time. I also threw up twice this morning, I was getting worried now. Was something wrong with my insides? Or was I pregnant? I knew the pills were only 91% effective. I had some symptoms; my breast were tender and hurting plus the throwing up. But I can't be that unlucky.
If I was pregnant, I don't know what I would do. And I know Xavier will freak out. He made it clear he doesn't want a kid. I was just 18, I don't even know how to take care of myself let alone a baby. We still have to work on our relationship, a kid could ruin everything.
I didn't tell Stephanie I wasn't feeling well because I don't want her to worry, but now that I couldn't eat the eggs she made, I think I should tell her. I was freaking myself out in my head.
"I think I'm pregnant" I whisper not wanting Dan to hear me. She stopped washing the dishes and looks at me
"Are you sure" she said calmly
"I don't know, I think I have morning sickness. I threw up twice now" I tell her tapping my hands on the counter.
"Are you on the pill?"
"Yes I started like 4 weeks ago" I tell her
"Did you take it regularly?"
"Yes I didn't miss a day, we'll expect today. If I am pregnant can't it hurt the baby?" I ask her
"Okay don't panic, until we take a test we can't say for sure"
"How the hell will I get a test, I can't leave and I don't want Xavier to find out" I say panicking. I can already hear him screaming at me.
"I will go into town and get you a test, you stay here with Dan. I wouldn't be too long okay" she hugs me.
I watch her pick up a car keys that I assumed was hers or Alan's, she wore a jacket and looked back at me.
"Watch some tv" she smiled but it didn't reach her eyes. She opens the door and leaves.
Oh god this is bad, I can't have a baby! I'm meant to be a dead girl. How the hell will I go to hospitals. I can't even leave the cabin. Okay she said not too panic until I know for sure, this is all hypothetical until I see the two pink lines.
What was the point of taking the stupid pills if it wasn't going to work?